Yes, we know that your women’s hockey team pulled off an improbable comeback to take the gold medal away from the American team on Thursday. But we can’t let you take both gold medals home from Sochi. It’s time to even the score, and get some revenge for dear old Uncle Sam.

And there’s also the matter of the last Winter games in Vancouver to think about (or is it aboot?). You won the gold medal in overtime last time, with the home ice crowd cheering you on. But that won’t happen again this time. Whatever cheering loyalties the fans might have, it won’t be the sea of red that we saw in Vancouver.

I’ve seen stories suggesting that the loser of the game has to keep Justin Bieber, since he’s a Canadian who seems to find trouble easily on our side of the border. You Canadians probably don’t want him back, anyway.

A U.S. win would not mean a gold medal right away (these are the semifinals, after all), but it would be a huge win all the same. I’ll even get the chant started right here:  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

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R. Lincoln Harris

R. Lincoln Harris

I'm a Chicago writer. I live in the best city on earth, and I write about the things that interest me. What more could I ever want? Other than a Cubs World Series, of course.